baptists for beckley

badasscatholic @ 2006-09-06T20:19:00

2006-09-07T01:30:46Z

i just wanted to finally proclaim to my meager audience that i have decided to quit lj. this is but a bullshit investiture of an otherwise meaningful daily five minutes. nobody updates or even bothers to read/comment. i must say that it was difficult to come to this conclusion, that the holy roman empire which was our friends network has crumbled, that double has finally been comment-bashed into extinction. even anonymous has fled the fucking scene, and that's as good a reason as any. it is now apparent that our journals are doomed to become ancient artifacts fossilized in the limestone of cyberspace, to be excavated at some remote point in the future, to teach an advanced society of the simpler world we had pre-Katrina. they have begun this process of decay, so i'm getting off the boat now. goodbye, you once perfect abode for my meloncholy teenage words. you are no longer a suitable medium between them and humanity.

badasscatholic @ 2006-09-03T15:16:00

2006-09-03T20:20:29Z

my cat died on friday. we found him saturday morning, and it was obvious that he had been attacked, probably by some wild animal. it was our first night back at home in our lakeview house. he survived the flood there. how ironic that he didn't make it one day, this year, when we brought him back.

badasscatholic @ 2006-08-24T21:29:00

2006-08-25T02:30:52Z

Things which are sad, make me sad,
And I am not the only one
To love the good and loathe the bad
But one out of six billion.

There are no wrongs; there are no rights,
As oft our emotions see,
But six billion different, present “mights,”
Conflicting in humanity.

prevention is good?

2006-08-11T18:47:42Z

summer skin

2006-08-11T17:29:28Z

i think the death penalty sneds (hic) the message that some human beings are untreatable by science, are mere failures. that's funny though, because what creates murderers is developmental trauma in the family and the like. so if they were altered in such a way as a child, why can't they be fixed, or at least acknowledged as victims of an upbringing that determined their deviant behavior? it's way too easy to dismiss people who do bad things as bad people, but it's time we moved past that superficial, age-old classification.

bertrand russel said the problem with humanity is that the smart people are the ones who doubt and the stupid people are the ones who think they know everything. bill o'reilly? bush? comparing hannity to colmes?

etc.

yellow poweranger

2006-07-25T07:29:10Z

i think that much of the pleasure which i derive from listening to music is a result of nostalgia. it just makes me emotional, the past feelings with which i associate different songs and such. but such feelings are far too distant now. the hurricane and the drastic and abrupt changes which followed it have too greatly distanced myself from them. i also feel incapable of appreciating the present. even when i used to be sad i was able to find some solace in something. but now i can't. when i am in a low mood nowadays, there exists no activity, no past time or otherwise enjoyable aspect of my life which can uplift me. i have lost the ability to objectify my displeasure with life. maybe i'm just generally more sad nowadays.

evan is here. we smoked a clove and did the buzzy thing which reminds me so much of riding the tilt-a-whirl at city park. clearly, as he makes shadow puppets with his fingers, evan is experiencing a different sensation. he stopped now. he speaks of cat and other things like his parents. the tilt-a-whirl, as i recall, was nauseating. i now feel as if i am getting off of it.

how i wish i could be more than a mere bystander in my own memories. they are all locked up in my head and their lasting effects have worn off unexpectedly. i am ambivolent towards them, and they feel cold to me. i remember thinking, in like 7th fucking grade, that if i ever stopped being enamored with my past, i would go insane. i guess this is it.

katrina, you african american yellow poweranger, trevor and giepy gravely underestimated you.

badasscatholic @ 2006-07-23T13:30:00

2006-07-23T18:43:59Z

i just realized today at church that i have been an atheist for four years. that is a lot of years, i suppose. if only people would realize that disbelief in such a field is not a willing choice, but, much like one's sexuality, what just makes sense to them. my dad believes in god but does not think that he is a bastard enough to punish people for their instincts. after all, they, along with one's sociocultural background and external stimuli, are the most influential factors in an individual's life. the concept of some innate human tendency towards christianity is bullshit, but that is exactly what is implied when the religious play the "divine judgement" card. whatever. i'm not in the mood for fighting this right now. i'm going to barnes and noble with cat and angelina. hopefully trevor will find his way to us. he need only to trust in the light.

fortune cookie prize

2006-07-23T07:11:38Z

new york is a bleak place. everybody honks, and for no reason. nobody is nice to poor people, either, and even some of them are mean. thus

new orleans
kicks
ass

life's no way to treat an animal

2006-06-28T08:29:03Z

okay i am feeling a little better. aside from the lack of lj comments (prompt?), i fear that i'm missing an essential element of what makes me life so memmorable. but i always believe that i am, hence the continuous downward progression. basically.

today, however, was a good day. i am now on 10mg prozac, and though this has not yet begun to demonstrate effects, i do not anticipate the sexual/emotional/sweaty side effects which i encountered with twenty. i always sort of regarded such phenomena as something from which i was excluded, but you try sustaining an erection on that shit man. i think much of the severe depression which plagued me yesterday was a result of coming down from le delsym. i never encountered such effects with the tussin, and i received the added bonus of insight on universal theories of humanity. but the way i felt yesterday, with so much guilt and anxiety, was either a result of my lack of sleep or the strange chemical that is dextromothorphan polistrex. thus, i have resolved to not be too radical in my range of substances. at least not periodically.

so tonight, the social crowds being seemingly dispersed with the effectiveness which one would expect from tuesday, angelina and i walked around. we stopped and sat down on the levee, amusingly removing ourselves from sight by resting on the exaggerated shadow which was purpetrated by a streetlight and misplaced stop sign. after a while we heard a loud bang conceived on the lakefront, and i turned in fear, expecting to see captain crunch and his pirate ship parked on the levee. alas, it was only a firework. i wondered what would happen earlier if cereal was manufactured by religious orginizations, while trying to find one to eat. cereal, not religious organizations. this, and my own mental askew-ness, contributed to my conviction that the trix rabbit would be redrawn as the easter bunny (trix are for conservatives!), the captain crunch man santa claus, and count chocula probably satan. who would market their product with satan, i don't know. probably some secular, free thinking bastard.

shit - the philippines have now rendered illegal the death penalty. we in america sure are dumb. this article i read in time today said that the vast majority of the world's executions come from four countries: china, north korea, iran, and the united states. it followed with a quote:

"you're only known by the company you keep."

true that, opinion-writing lady on the last page of the issue with johnny depp on the cover. in conclusion, i conclude with nothing.

bitches brew

2006-06-26T16:45:40Z

depravity and desolance reign once again inside my turbulent brain. i had assumed that the writing institute would have helped, and it did, but now that i'm back here i can't help being sad about people. i can't help feeling as if i'm alone in everything. I can't help but imagine my life as a negative slope, where every previous point is higher up than te present one. according to my irrational mind, everybody hates me. i, of course, know this isn't true, but such a suppressed obsession will always become a full-fledged phobia, with all of the recurring mannerisms and re-assurances to prove it. no matter what i'm doing i feel as if it's not enough, as if there's a higher standard i must reach. i need to not worry, but to do such a thing is a feat itself, and to sustain lack-of-worry for long enough to ingrain this new habbit indelibly in the mind is nearly impossible. even in the summer.
goddamn summer for being so great, because when it isn't i am a failure. no more inside jokes, no more chats, no more friends. that's how i feel right now.

badasscatholic @ 2006-06-12T11:17:00

2006-06-12T16:17:26Z

i'm in tennessee and i have internet. everyone can stop ignoring me you fuckers

open my mouth and see what comes runnin out

2006-06-11T06:29:22Z

tomorrow i am leaving for tennessee. i will not be back until the 23rd or the 24th. i am afraid about this. because i will think that if i don't have as good of a time as last year socially that i have become less good with that sort of stuff and have less self confidence. i don't need that now. cat and luna called early this morning (11) and demanded that i pick them up. i wanted to see them today before i left so i did. we went to barnes and noble and burger king across the street. it was fun. i enjoyed barnes and noble because luna and i went to the photography section and it was neat. they wanted me to go see them later that night at luna's cafe job place. i did later but i didn't know that they had work until 10:30 and so showed up when they said to, at 8:30, unaware that they were expecting us to eat there. but i had to hang out with people and see them all because it was my last day. so cat was mean and now i think they're mad at me. but the rest of us went to the fema trailer and hung out.

i hope everyone contacts me while i'm at writing skewl. i will miss all of you much. and i only have a limited amount of nerve calming substances. i hope i make friends. i don't know if people like me all that much anymore. calm yourself charles this is not difficult. i wrote a poem the other day called empathy. you may critique it as you wish. or you could not and prevent me from actualizing this masterpiece/shitty poem/okay poem which could benefit from mention of nocturnal sports. bastards. at least tell me bye or something.

Standards they stand
On foundations on land
As consistent as sand.
One day we will understand
One day, when we learn.

We can’t feel them sinking
No, we wake each morning, thinking
The ground’s just higher up
But one day we will understand
One day, when we learn.

Such creatures as us
Believing the world is just
Greet those who we must
And still think they fuss
Too much, too much.
One day we will understand
One day, when we learn

Now, liars we are
Driving in our nice cars,
Ask “We’re superior by far
Aren’t we?”
One day we will understand
One day when we learn.

But I know somewhere
There’s a world so fair
That every person so beguiled
Every problematic child,
Everyone fallen for vice
Is told:
“You too can be nice.
Everything will be alright
One day, when you learn.”

vein of stars

2006-06-05T03:53:52Z

today was silly and the like. we hung out at the lakeview trailer. i am happy i have friends who don't use me for rides. it is a good strategy to stop contacting people who you think use you to see if they ever talk to you again. thus you are never in any futile relationships. but that doesn't necessarily mean i don't miss those people too. i just don't want to be friends with them if they don't want to be friends with me. thus all my friends now really do like me. but i still miss my other friends, the ones who have moved/are not living here yet/are moving. there's just too many of them. that makes me sad.

recently i've been rather depressed. i'm not made particularly happy by anything. this bothers me. i've always been stubborn, though. it's this melancholiness and infinite sadness. i am used to experiencing things with wonder and a strange reverance for the world, but such feelings are dead. i feel like living in this horrible metairie suburban sprawl is making me feel like this. giepy and i have been oft to express scorn for the "uppity metairie people" for their lack of appreciation for nature and outdoor activities. i guess we miss the lv. i would stop taking caffeine to be able to play another football game there. it's a pretty magical place.

charlie and i walked from cat's house to mine the other day. it was hella fun because it took so long. angel trumpets are bad. delsym doesn't reveal the mysteries of the universe to the same extent of tussin. marijuana plants are good things. free tibet.

a very good essay in time magazine

2006-06-01T20:32:14Z

http://junkheapofhistory.blogspot.com/2006/05/andrew-sullivan-my-problem-with.html

derel anachronism

2006-05-22T03:42:00Z

well it's sunday and all day my throat has felt as if i deepthroated derel who, for a circus act, doused his schlong in lighter fluid and ignited it prior to the oral sex. nothing helps and i haven't been able to study well for my math exam tomorrow. i don't really care, for the past quarter of the school year has led me to prize my analytical abilities in other courses (history) over things like mathemetics. i like knowing that stuff but i like people better and history's all about people. plus my teacher says i have a gift for writing and so now i must not allow him to insinuate anything different because then i will assume that i have lost the gift forever. that's what happens when you compliment me. it's better than when nobody compliments me though.

uh i should be studying. i don't want to waste my adderall on things like relating to people on aim. that's why i'm writing with such fervor. if only i could have such fascination with things like emotions and god and learning that liszt piece "consolation" and taking pictures without meds. if only i could tell people about free will and the point of humanity with such excitement when the dxm wore off. i still can but it's just not so great unless i'm writing a paper or robotripping. but in short you never die after you die because as long as your presence is affecting people or things then you're alive. death is an asymptote; you approach it and become nearer and nearer to it post mortem but you can never completely not be influencing things. even if it is just your decomposed body fertilizing a tree. but the real way to stay alive is for what you did to change the way people think. think martin luther king jr or something. my grandmother doesn't like him i think. my mom's mom. my dad's mom, the yoga-doing, actress, spiritual-deist one does, i'm sure. i gave her bluebeard for christmas.

wellz i have my exam tomorrow at 1. i'm sew glad i only have one after that, then skewl's over. finally. i've been getting so sick of these country daiseys. with their wannabe gangsterism and their will-eventually-attend-a-rich-prep-college-like-washington-and-lee-or-smu-where-conservativism-and-conformity-reign-ism and their i-hate-poor-people-because-they-are-too-lazy-to-work-but-im-inheriting-the-family-business-so-i-can-retire-at-30-and-own-a-yacht-and-invite-the-same-country-day-newman-st.martins-friends-i've-had-for-all-my-life-and-never-realize-what-the-meaning-of-life-really-is-because-i-always-learned-it-was-money-ism. fuck dat shiite.

sew close to summer

2006-05-16T02:09:09Z

i've been so sleepy
since i began the project
of painting the insides of my eyelids

not a tiring job, i guess
but i would have been surprised
to find that when i closed them
i suffered anything less

yeah, the strict diet they're on
of polo shirts and louis vuitton
has left them no choice
but to quit the game
this far along

a(N(uNfInIsHeD)) PoEm 4 cOuNtRy DaY

after almost a year on zoloft and effectively beginning the sertraline purging process two months ago, i have been put on prozac. too bad i went so long without noticing that the only change it yielded was my ability to handle stress markedly better. yay now i'm one step closer to being the annoying jewish author of prozac nation. :jots down sex change on to-do list:

kind of blue

2006-05-07T07:28:59Z

stayed up all night
hyped up on caffeine
studyin my movements
and what they all mean -
i mean, what they mean
to the rest of the world

tonight was nice. i was with all of my favorite people, even those cabrini girls i don't know well but always manage to hang out with us. i only wish we could all have gotten to the lv earlier so that we could spend less time driving around for materials (food) and drop-offs and more time swinging with cat and angelina and charlie and evan and making fun of politics with thomas and talking/laughing with everybody. it was like a gatsby party!

lots a piktures

2006-05-06T20:10:43Z

charlie
me
kristen!

just

2006-05-04T03:06:26Z

maybe it's just the stress but probably not. i hate most of my friends now. only people that like me because of who i am are bailey and charlie and evan and maybe, but only a few, others. so fuck everybody else and i'm not going to try to please you so that you will still talk to me. if i'm wrong about all of this i wonder why i do not see it. it's probably just not there to begin with.

badasscatholic @ 2006-05-01T21:13:00

2006-05-02T02:27:39Z

Southern trees bear strange fruit
blood on the leaves and blood at the roots
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees

Pastoral scene of the gallant south
the bulging eyes and the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck
for the rain to gather, for the wind to suck
for the sun to rot, for the trees to drop
here is a strange and bitter crop.

5 - 2 = 2

2006-04-23T06:56:11Z

what a fool i am. not to believe that i, with my mental capabilities that i suppose act as a double-edged sword more than once thought, could perform socially without medication, but to relive things without any hesitance. i'm a pushover. "i always depend on the kindness of strangers," fucking blanche dubois. thank predator for opium. and thank him for church, for which in six hours i will rise to play. one point for normalcy. at least the old church people i hang out with there still think i'm the best thing since sliced bread.

fun times with charlie

2006-04-19T07:49:33Z

lmao

2006-04-18T21:00:32Z

http://community.livejournal.com/__anti_liberals/1660.html?view=5500#t5500

also read my post in that community. it was rather poorly written though

NBC is owned by general electric

2006-04-13T04:55:26Z

today i went home and slept under the window through which the evening sunlight shines. on my dog's bed. i was still feeling sick and therefore missed organ lessons and choir practice, to my dismay and glee respectively. sew i slept there till 6 or so and

"in every other major industrialized country on earth including canada and all of europe, access to a doctor is written into the law as a basic human right. here we have a disease industry, instead, that likes to see how they can profit off of other peoples' misfortunes and would rather spend billions and billions of dollars on the next viagra than even bothering to manufacture stuff that cures malaria because there's not any money in that. 'let those people die.'"

sorry jello interupted. ...and procrastinated and did homework. everything in my room seems a lot darker than normal, and i've been striving to fix this by turning on the lights which i have always used. it still feels darker though. today was a good day, but tonight i feel kind of sad because i'm studying about WWII and for some reason i keep thinking about human suffering. i always do that, contemplating such persistant aspects of existance, but usually being able to escape the actual empathy part. because it's not like this shit is new or anything.

perhaps this sweeping emotiveness is a result of my self-de-medicating. a few weeks ago i became so overheated indoors, when outside it was likely 80 degrees, that i thought i was going to pass out. fucking sertraline makes me sweat like crazy, but my psychiatrist just nods when i tell him this. so, sick of requiring the dose of a three hundred pound depressive football player for my ocd, i dropped down from 200 to 100mg. and today i took 50, the amount i was on last year at this time when i began the medicine. at least my libido has increased.

it's about midnight now, and i'm not sleepy. the idea of sleep too pisses me off. it has since saturday night at bailey's when i did not rest once. when i get a decent amount i am lethargic and unmotivated, and when i stay up on caffeine, going about the next day on only several hours, i'm downright manic. i prefer the latter. okay so fuck that; i'll sleep tomorrow.

boxes

2006-04-11T22:49:41Z

i hate literature and poetry that take ages for the author to convey his/her point. if it's all about humanity and such, why not just write it the fuck down with as little symbolism and needless characters and references and subplots and metaphors as possible? i suppose some people prefer to understand racism through a 600-page novel like invisible man or native son, but, goddamnit, read a fucking history book or something so you see what the hell really went on, other than a made-up story of some black guy getting accused of murder/ generally being a fuckup and living in a basement full of lightbulbs (as in the two books mentioned in coverse order). i've been sick the past two or three days and my head still hurts. i guess i must go to school tomorrow though. fuck homework.